When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
You Might Also Like
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.