I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If snakes were wide
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret