Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.