You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.