Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit