Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Thursday Thought.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.