Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
You Might Also Like
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪