Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?