The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
You Might Also Like
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My Guy
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”