#Caturday
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Well, this certainly took a turn
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken