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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.