“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is