Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast