M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
bury ourselves
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock