Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.