[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.