My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
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I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Hey i am sexy to you now
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then