I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
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“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.