You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Rather alarming headline…
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM