nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
three things we don’t talk about
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit