Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend