Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
happy valentine’s day to me
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then