Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.