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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.