(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Covid like
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.