wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You Might Also Like
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong