BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I…do not understand how electricity works.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am