The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
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“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin