Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.