told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
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Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Blew my mind.