Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Bloody internet 😳
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Fluff me with a fork baby
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.