My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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Morningbreath
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ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If you know, you know 😂🚔
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.