have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”