prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
all bases covered
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.