Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Oops I deleted….
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Try and stop me.
Great Canadian literature.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.