*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.