Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
You are what you delete.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
You know…for fall…
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.