When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
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My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The sacred texts.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too