Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.