One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
You Might Also Like
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I miss this era type of pranks😭
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.