Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social