inappropriate Care Bears be like:
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.