The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!