JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break