Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.