Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
This meal prepping shit is easy
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke