Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”