Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
You Might Also Like
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I have so many questions.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Some people were born into their job.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.