alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Owl Sanctuary
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid