All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve